FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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