I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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