you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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