So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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