Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
