Umm I'm too high to move.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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