You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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