I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
