Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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