I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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