toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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