planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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