Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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