I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
