Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
You're like the curious george of whores
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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