Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I AM VODKA MAN
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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