it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
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