If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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