Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I am one with the molecules
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
