I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
