We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
