were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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