ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
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