ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
