you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
