Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize
