3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize