I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
