There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
