I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
