I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
