so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
