Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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