I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
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