everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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