ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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