I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
