I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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