I'm jealous of your bromance
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I have aggressive nipples.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
