If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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