I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
