woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
