You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
