Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
