$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Randomize
