If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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