Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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