Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
After tacos, we're chasing women.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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