party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
