He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
True strength comes from lack of pants
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
