Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
