At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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