The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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